Tag: humor

Categories
Baby Books Children Drew Friends Nonfiction Technology Travel Writing

Google Me, Part 2: iPhone search terms

Back in the day, I wrote a post called Google Me about all my iPhone search terms, and I reminisced about why in the world I needed to look up these things. Well, it’s been awhile and I noticed the other day that my search history has been getting kind of eclectic again. So I thought I would share.

skyfall Lincoln – I was looking for this image.

mary reilly imdb – My parents were here the other day and we were naming Julia Roberts movies, and then Drew mentioned this one and it sounded interesting so I looked it up. (Julia Roberts plays Dr. Jekyll’s maid, and she falls in love with both him AND Mr. Hyde!)

healthy horizons burlingame – A breastfeeding center that we went to the other day to weigh the baby

goose goslin – A baseball player with a funny name

peninsula library catalog – I wanted to look up the book Insurgent and see if it was at the library. It is…but I shouldn’t go check it out because I’m already in the middle of 3 books (4 if you count Harry Potter) and I should try to focus a little bit.

obama birthday – When is Obama’s birthday? Answer: August 4th, 1961.

aspirated w – I was checking if this is really the term used when you do that funny/annoying pronunciation of the wh in words like “white” and “wheelhouse.” (It is.)

kellan lutz – He appeared on an episode of 30 Rock, and we had no idea who he played in the Twilight movies.

fontanelle – I needed more info about babies’ “soft spots,” like, Am I going to injure my baby via his fontanelle? And, when will his head get hard so I don’t have to stress out about his fontanelle?

edd – edd.ca.gov, just looking up claim status information.

giants game – My lazy way of just tracking the scores of the World Series’ games on my phone, for the games we weren’t home to watch.

third rock from the sun cast – We were trying to remember the name of French Stewart. (We were thinking Stewart French.)

1 month old baby eyesight – I wanted to know how far he could see at 1 month, and what kind of tracking/focusing skills he “should” have. (To be honest, there were a lot of baby-related searches, but I wanted to show a range here. Just know I google a lot of questions I have about babies.)

robert louis stevenson – We were looking up when he died, because I was thinking his story “The Bottle Imp” was set in the 1940s, but I was way way off – he died in 1894.

walgreens pacifica – My pharmacy. I am constantly googling this to get the phone number.

giants schedule – Self-explanatory.

plutos locations – We were in Lodi, craving Plutos, and wondering if there was one nearby. But Sacramento/Davis seemed too far out of the way. So we just went home.

…Seriously, what did we ever do before smartphones?

Categories
Baby Drew Nonfiction Sleep talking

Son of Sleeptalking (25)

Drew: (nudges me with foot a couple times) Hey.
I: (ignore him because I know he’s asleep)
Drew: (nudging) Hey. Go get food.
I: Go get what?
Drew: If your (mumble)’s done, go get food.
I: Okay, you’re sleeping.

We’re both at least a little sleep deprived these days. But our little guy is already a month old, so I see why they say that time flies. We’ll be sleeping through the night again before we know it. And in the meantime, I just really cherish that stretch of sleep between midnight and 4:00 am (which, coincidentally, is when the above happened).

Categories
Fiction Friends Memoir Not awesome Theatre Work

Lying at a wedding

We went to a wedding yesterday. At the reception – which was a full-on 9-course Chinese banquet, although I counted 11 courses before the cake – the girl next to me started making small talk. Her date (fiancee? husband? boyfriend?) was part of the band and so he was up and down through most of dinner, so somewhere between the shark fin soup and the abalone with mushrooms, she asked me what I do.

When I told her I work at a theatre company, she asked me which one, and it turned out she’s actually kind of into theatre. She’s actually been to see shows that we have put on, the most recent 3 years ago, but that’s still far better than most people I find myself making small talk with. I immediately upgraded my conversation from the standard “talking about my work with people who don’t care about theatre.”

“What have you seen around here that’s good?” she asked me, and I reached out for anything, anything we’ve seen lately.

But it appears I’m a theatre major failure, because it’s been months since I’ve seen anything. Well, I guess I’ve seen shows at my work. I resorted to fibbing and talking about shows at other companies, that I’m sure were very good, but they closed before I had a chance to see them.

Erin recently saw Chinglish at Berkeley Rep, and she raved about it, so I almost said that I’d seen that, but luckily something stopped me, because it turned out that my tablemate LOVES David Henry Hwang and saw Chinglish last week. Yeesh, that could have been messy.

After the reception I got to thinking: we should really see more Bay Area theatre. There is so much here. It’s just that a lot of it is so spread out and/or difficult to get to. And let’s face it. I’m into being at home and in pajamas by 8pm these days. I missed opening night of my own company’s current show, and haven’t actually managed to see it yet – and this is the last week of performances.

But I think I might see if I can get tickets to see Chinglish. I’ve heard such good things.

Categories
Dreams Drew Sleep talking

Sleep talking 24

It’s been awhile – I don’t know if I’ve just been sleeping through any talking, or what. But I stayed up a little last night to finish a chapter of The Martian Chronicles, and by a little I mean until nearly 11:00.

Drew (happily): Oh! I know exactly what to do!
Me: About what?
Drew: With the lights…
Me: Which lights?
Drew: The lights that go in the…that…in the…um…the… (pause) You know what I mean.
Me: Yeah, I do.

I guess the main difference about this exchange is how happy it was. He knew exactly what to do. If only we were all a little more confident in ourselves.

Categories
Drew Endings Games Memoir Nonfiction Sports TV

Passing the torch

The Olympics are over.

If you think you heard a note of glee in my tone, well sir, you are mistaken. I like the Olympics.

But, here’s the thing: Drew LOVES the Olympics. And he’s not alone. The world loves the Olympics. But he like REALLY LOVES the Olympics.

Here’s what I think he loves about them: The success stories. The failure stories. The statistics. The human interest angles. The world coming together in a show of friendly (for the most part) competition. People working incredibly hard for years, to accomplish something (that sometimes takes 5 seconds.) People overcoming obstacles. People tripping on obstacles.

Whatever it is that he loves, we have watched a lot of Olympics over the last two weeks. And I’ve been gone a lot, so I can only imagine how much he’s seen.

When I’ve been home, I’ve been experiencing this thing at a level that I never have before – how has rhythmic gymnastics totally escaped my awareness before this?? (Drew may LOVE the Olympics, but those girls LOVE their apparati.) I have really enjoyed getting to know new 2012 Olympics USA celebs – from gymnast Gabby Douglas to coxswain Mary Whipple to diver David Boudia to renowned DJ Fatboy Slim.

(No, but seriously, did Fatboy Slim feel kinda out place at the closing ceremonies?)

But now the Olympics are over, and I’m secretly (or not so secretly) a little relieved that life can regain its normal rhythm. And by “life” and “normal rhythm,” I mean I miss our summer tradition of watching Big Brother (we now have 6 episodes to try to catch up on – not an easy task when they are hour-long episodes) and I miss reading Harry Potter at night.

But don’t worry – less than 2 years until the winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia!

(Also, doesn’t Sochi have such a better logo than the London Olympics?)

(Also, Rio has a nice logo.)

Categories
"Other people" Being a girl Children Drew Family Fashion Nonfiction Not awesome Parents Writing

In this case, E stands for “erroneous”

Stuff like this drives me crazy.

I realize this is just one little e-card. It’s not even a physical thing – it just exists as a jpeg. (And however things on the internet exist.)

This was probably a Mother’s Day card at one point. But I just saw it today, because this “your ecards” thing has somehow merged with Facebook and George Takei to create the unholy trinity that I like to call, “Why is my news feed now composed entirely of semi-funny, oft-shared pictures??”

Anyway. “9 times out of 10 children get their awesomeness from their mother.” What’s being said here? Why are we leaving out the fathers?

I’ve been running into a lot of father-bashing (or father-ignoring) on all the pregnancy boards to which I am now addicted. A common occurrence is that a woman will start a thread about being upset with her husband about a specific incident, and then comments will quickly pile up about how “it’s different for the men” and “they don’t understand” and how “they’re not interested in the pregnancy.”

Based on this and similar stories, Drew and I started a running “joke” about how much more important mothers are than fathers, which is basically us just repeating how the baby doesn’t even know who the father is until they’re 3 years old, 7 years old, 10 years old. (We just keep exaggerating because that’s what humor is.)

But this morning, I had to stop and say, “We’re both just kidding…right?” because it’s kind of getting to me. Enough is enough. Dads love their children too, and contribute to their health and well-being and yes, even to their awesomeness.

Maybe I just grew up in a very lucky kind of household, where my parents shared responsibilities and were around us equal amounts of time. I would say I get 50% of my awesomeness from my mom and 50% from my dad. And I would say that with a totally straight face.

It’s possible I’m overreacting to a stupid Facebook share. I mean, such things happen. (Some time last year, a WP blog post about bullying made the FB rounds, and everyone yelled about how their kid is such a special snowflake, and they would kill anyone who said anything mean to their perfect and sensitive child. I’m sure my coworkers enjoyed my attitude that day.)

On the other hand, maybe we’ve seen enough of FB e-cards, and enough of comments under-appreciating fathers. Hmm?

Categories
"Other people" Food Memoir Nonfiction Not awesome Pregnancy Theatre Tomato Work

It’s not rocket science; or, “Sandwiches Snadwiches”

Yesterday I found myself back at the Safeway in Mill Valley, which has given me great stories in the past.

I stopped in there to pick up a sandwich for lunch before the final 2 performances of God of Carnage at MTC. Sandwiches are great, and probably on my favorite things list, even though I’ve been eschewing turkey (and that’s just one of several things) because of potential harmful effects during pregnancy.

So I just wanted to stop by and get a cheddar, avocado, and veggie sandwich on sliced sourdough.

A good sign: there was no one in line when I walked in. So I went straight up to the counter, where a super polite young man said, “I’ll be right with you.” Then, he went on to say, “Good afternoon, what may I get you?”

Wow, such service. I started explaining what I wanted.

“So you want a veggie sandwich – would you like me to describe the veggie sandwich to you?”

“Um, that’s okay,” I said, “What I want is actually a “California Dreamin'” without the turkey and bacon.”

“The “California Dreamin'” now goes by the name “Turkey Bacon Avocado,” he said.

“Okay.”

He began to assemble the sandwich. Kind of sloppily. I don’t understand why sandwich-makers at Safeway don’t know how to make a sandwich. They always pile everything on the center of the bread. Don’t you know you have to spread the avocado to the edges? And you shouldn’t just stack all the tomatoes in the center? It’s not rocket science, people. Make the type of sandwich that you would want to eat.

And it’s not just Mill Valley Safeway. It was in Mountain View that I watched a guy squirt mustard on one slice of bread, and then pick up both slices, one in each hand, and stare at them, puzzled, until he slowly smashed them together and rubbed the mustard around.

Wow.

When Mill Valley guy was finishing up (having just placed a large pile of pickles in two square inches), he said, “Now, our policy dictates that I charge you an extra fifty cents.” For avocado, I assume? “But I’m debating in my head whether or not to charge you that. That policy is in place to deter people from ordering sandwiches like this. But I don’t think we’ll suffer any damages – any long-term damages, that is – because I don’t think many people will order sandwiches like this.”

“Um…okay.”

WTF? For the record, here is the part of the menu that makes me think that it’s acceptable – nay, encouraged – for you to actually order what you want to eat, rather than just choosing from the 8 pre-designed options.

The key word here is “choose”…

Finally he handed it over. And I walked 10 feet away, found the voice memo application on my phone, and dictated what he had just said, because I was worried I’d forget part of it.

Then I called Drew and told him about it.

When I got to the theater, I found he didn’t even cut it in half for me. Which is kind of the most annoying part. I mean, who wants to pick up an entire sandwich?

Apparently the bane of Safeway’s existence – a product of theirs that someone ordered and paid for.

First world problems, am I right?

When the actors started arriving, one of them (with whom I had just bonded over orchids the prior day – I’m starting to think we might be some kind of soulmates or something) started telling a story about how he’d just stopped to pick up a sandwich at Safeway. We then went on to bond over our annoyance at the crazy people working there, and how in New York, you can just order food and then get it and then get out in record time, but here it seems to take people forever to get anything done.

Yeah, we were those people.

Anyway, the sandwich was okay, the shows went great, I was home by 10:30 and in bed by 11:15, and I got to sleep in until 8:30 this morning. So overall…life is good.

Categories
Awesome Being a girl Books Love Memoir Nonfiction

Tetris + books = my life

I’ve been trying to figure out how to illustrate what I feel like my life has become: a cross between Tetris and books.

Unfortunately, I’m not an artist, so I can’t just draw it, and I don’t have any great skills with Photoshop, and I just didn’t feel that one of my typical MS Paint mashups was going to do this justice.

I’ve obtained a lot (and I mean A LOT) of new books lately. This is on top of already having a bunch of things that I haven’t read yet (and yet I keep thinking, “I love humorous non-fiction; I bet I will really like that book I bought when Borders went out of business and everything was 70% off”).

But then a couple weekends ago, I bought 7 or 8 used books at the library book sale, and I think I’ve only read about 3 of them.

I even checked out three books that day, although who knows why I felt like that was necessary.

I got books for my birthday this weekend (thank God some of them are for kids, so they’ll go quickly).

Although one of them is the FOURTH Game of Thrones book, and I have yet to start the third one! (Which I’m dying to do.)

I bought Jonathan’s book club book off of him, because he was just going to return it to the store. (But it’s The Leftovers by Tom Perrotta! I didn’t know anything about it when I turned over the cash, because I just have faith in Tom Perrotta, but it’s about the Rapture, and I don’t know if you know this about me but I’m kind of into Rapture stuff.)

And then I have to purchase my own book club’s next book, which I plan on doing from Amazon, but then I’ll want to add something else so I get to $25 so I have the free shipping.

It’s just a torrential downpour of books, and there’s no way I can keep up with them all. It’s like one of the later levels on Tetris, but instead of pretty colored shapes, it’s all books. But they’re piling up so fast!

At least books fit together well. Until you run out of space, that is.

Oh, I get it – it’s just like Tetris only none of the layers disappear when you fill them in. I guess that would happen if I actually read things, and then gave them away.

Why did I used to have so much time to read? I guess in New York I had the commute every day, and then both my roommates worked a show schedule, so I spent a lot of time alone. (Not in a sad way.)

But now, I just don’t have that same amount of time.

Although, I’m doing a cameo in wardrobe at Marin Theatre Company this weekend (started last weekend), and there is PLENTY of time to read then. Partly because the show is super easy (yay!) and partly because the show is short, so the break between shows is hours (yay!). So I’m going to try to get through as much this week as possible.

I would say, “And then I’m going to try to lay off acquiring books for awhile,” but it’s just not that easy.

That being said – anyone reading anything good lately?

Categories
Awesome Being a girl Drew Memoir Self improvement Sentiment Technology TV

Google me

I wanted to go back through my Google search terms in my phone, because I like revisiting the things I’ve needed to look up while I’m on the go. It’s amusing and can bring back some happy memories. (Like all the Harry Potter stuff I’ve googled.) Unfortunately, I realize that my phone actually only keeps the terms for a couple weeks – major bummer.

So, in order from most to least recent, here they are:

Rampion – photo from flickr.com (click for direct link)

Rampion – I had radicchio at dinner last night…which led to me wondering if that was in the Witch’s “rap” in the opening song of Into the Woods…which led to us doing the rap…which led to Drew saying, “Do you think she entered her rampion in competitions?” (“my rampion, my champion”)…which led to me googling rampion to see exactly what it was. (I was positive that it was a type of lettuce, but it’s just a flower.)

BART schedule – took BART to Berkeley the other day. Checked the schedule a lot.

Lakeport English Inn – I had to find their phone number so I could call and double check that they weren’t cash only. (They’re not.)

Not with a bang but a whimper – The title of the final Dexter episode is “This is the way the world ends,” so then I said, “Not with a bang but a whimper,” and then Erin and I were debating what that quote was from. Then we were talking about how in The Westing Game (the best kids’ mystery book ever), one of the characters says that every quote is from the Bible or Shakespeare. I guessed that this was actually a quote from a Yeats poem, but it’s TS Eliot, which I totally should have known.

AJ Jacobs Drop Dead Healthy – Potentially my next book club pick, although it’s just come out and I’d like to wait to get it until it’s in paperback. At any rate, I love AJ Jacobs!

Fiona Fullerton – there was an oldschool version of Alice in Wonderland on TV, and I thought the actress playing Alice looked familiar, so I googled her. I do not know who she is at all.

Lego game of thrones – Someone recreated the Game of Thrones opening sequence in Legos. It’s okay. It would have been better if they had used the actual theme song, rather than using a weird “brand X” version of it.

Mahogany – On Facebook, The Hunger Games posts daily typography images that fans have done. Good examples are here and here. (That second one is worth a look around – she has some really stellar work, not just The Hunger Games but also Harry Potter stuff, and others.) A bad example is one that used the quote “That is mahogany” but spelled mahogany wrong. I was just double checking that I was spelling it right. Because I’m an insufferable know-it-all like that. (I did not comment on the post or anything.)

Just look at her.

 

Whore of Babylon – Dexter again. Just wanted to get some background info on the whore of Babylon.

 

 

How long does it take to get from London to Hogwarts? – Well this is self-explanatory. And the answer is, all afternoon. The train leaves at 11am and arrives sometime around 6 or 7 in the evening.

Low blood pressure – Just wanted to know what was considered low blood pressure. Just keeping healthy.

Handicapped parking san Francisco – Just curious if it’s true that if you have a handicapped placard, you don’t have to pay for parking in the city.

5k miles – The Arthritis Walk was 5k and I wanted to double check what I got myself into. (3.1 miles…so not much.)

Professor kettleburn – He taught Care of Magical Creatures at Hogwarts before Hagrid took over.

Professor sprout – We needed to double check her first name. (Drew was right, it’s Pomona.)

Carrie underwood blown away – I wanted to show Drew the cover for Carrie Underwood’s new album. Mostly because Jonathan said it looks like the winner of a Judith Light drag queen contest, and I knew that Drew would think that was funny.

Sorry, Carrie Underwood, you know I love you. (But I like you so much more when you’re all country and down-home kinda girl. This is just a lot of glitter, and a lot of leg.)

Categories
Being a girl Drew Food Memoir Self improvement Sentiment

I Want Tomatoes, and Mashed Potatoes

A foodie, I am not. Which is to my own chagrin, when someone suggests going somewhere “fancy” or “exotic.” (And probably to Drew’s chagrin, when I order chicken katsu yet AGAIN.)

It should probably be considered a character flaw. I’m just not that adventurous when it comes to food. I wonder if I can blame it on growing up somewhere without a lot of exotic food. I mean, the one Chinese place in Lakeport is called Hong Kong. And I still think it’s delicious…but I’m not sure how Chinese it is.

I had sushi for the first time in high school (out of town)… Thai food for the first time in college… and Indian food for the first time about 6 months ago. (Since THAT little work-friends lunch, I’ve definitely been called out in public for my vanilla palate. But I mean…turkey sandwiches and Greek salads are just so good. Why would you change it up?) Among the things I haven’t tasted yet: Moroccan, Ethiopian, churrasco.

It doesn’t help that I’m not really into spicy stuff. I got a quesadilla at this taqueria the other day, and accidentally ordered it with the spicy chicken. Oops. Trying to find the non-spicy option can be limiting at certain establishments. Also embarrassing, in general.

But I have been reading back through my livejournal entries (whoa, right?) and I found this entry about Drew’s and my farewell-to-New-York dinner, back in July 2009. (I just realized I titled that entry “food food food delicious food.” I didn’t try so hard, back then.)

Gotham Bar and Grill – photo from Yelp

We dressed up all fancy and went to Gotham Bar and Grill in Greenwich Village. Luckily, because I’m a hoarder of information, I wrote down exactly what we ate that night. (Most of it is taken exactly from the menu, which is why it’s so specific. But the Gotham Market Pasta is a seasonal thing and so I didn’t have the exact wording.)

I had:
SMOKED MAGRET DUCK BREAST
fresh figs, mostarda di frutta and pecorino tartufo
balsamic vinegar reduction
GOTHAM MARKET PASTA
last night’s special was fettuccine with mushrooms, spinach, and cheese.  I’m sure they would have worded it better than that though.
CRISP SOFT SHELL CRAB
chanterelles, asparagus, sweet corn and brown butter aioli
white verjus sauce

He had:
BLACK BASS CEVICHE
honeydew melon, hearts of palm, grapefruit and radish
jalapeno cucumber broth
FOIE GRAS AND ORGANIC CHICKEN TERRINE
toasted brioche, kumquat marmalade and balsamic vinegar
RACK OF LAMB
swiss chard, roasted cipollini and potato purée

For dessert:
RHUBARB PINEAPPLE SOUFFLÉ
rose petal jam, crisp meringue
strawberry ice cream
and
GOTHAM CHOCOLATE CAKE
with seasonal ice cream

I remember thinking it was delicious. And I remember, at the time, thinking that going out to a place like this was a good idea. But then it makes me wonder…what happened that I changed my tune, so that I just want grilled cheese and apples with peanut butter? And am I hiding this flaw well enough? Also, what is an appropriate occasion for me to suggest Outback Steakhouse? Or do I need to just bring it up ironically and then see what people’s reactions are? Alternately, would Outback deliver lunch to my work?